In my last blog, The Narcissist’s Best Friend, I implored you to do the vital work of healing from trauma. Make no mistake; if you were in any toxic relationship, there would be some residual damage that time isn’t going to heal. It’s too deep for that. The injury will significantly color any future associations because you may not even be aware of how the situation affected you until you see some of the same patterns arising.
I, unfortunately, know this too well. I didn’t handle conflict well and would evade dealing with any issues. Crying at the drop of a hat and internalizing everything as my fault was a regular event. Consistently, I felt that I was not good enough for anything nice in my life. The imposter syndrome at work and in my creative projects was for real. Have I mentioned the incredible people-pleasing skills that arose out of fear of not being liked for who I was?
That is just the short list of ways my past traumas manifested in my connections. Sound fun? Of course not, but for so many, this is how life goes on daily because they put off healing from trauma repeatedly.
Here are 5 reasons you may be putting off doing the crucial work of mending the wounds left after a particularly rough connection.
You feel it’s not fair and that you didn’t cause it.
Yes. It’s absolutely not fair, and you didn’t ask for someone to come in and mess up your emotions 100 percent. I agree, and I am not trying to take that away from you. Accepting that was such a hard thing for me, too. However, it is most definitely on you to make sure that you don’t subject someone else to all of the ways you were afflicted. That would not be fair to them. Both you and the other person involved deserve healthy communications and interactions. Ultimately, we have to realize that the person who did this to us will also not repair it. It’s up to us to become better than we are now, and they were to us.
You may be thinking, “but since I didn’t cause it, I’m fine and I just needed to be out of it.” Fair. What we often don’t understand until we do the work is that we took some terrible coping mechanisms away from the relationship that helped us at that moment. These same tools do not support us in healthy interactions, but now they have become our default from being so ingrained for so long. The unhealthy ways of coping can range from withholding affection and conversation to people-pleasing behaviors to sometimes being highly reactive to a perceived conflict. There are so many that we may not be aware of what we are doing and inadvertently sabotaging potential good in our lives. It’s worth the introspection.
You lack the motivation to change
I mean, if change were easy, everyone would do it. It’s hard! However, you must draw on your willpower to make anything different for yourself. You will need to set the intention of healing from trauma for yourself and do something every day towards that goal to make it happen. If you don’t, you’ll guarantee nothing will change about your life. I’m not talking about just sharing a meme and adding some healing hashtag. Consult a therapist or life coach, read books on the subject, and follow people on YouTube that give solid advice or guide you through the process. The resources are out there. It’s just up to you to put forth the actual effort.
You seek continuous validation that you are “okay.”
A little real talk time here. So, remember when I said to follow people on YouTube or TikTok just a minute ago? Follow the people with steps and programs dedicated specifically to healing from trauma, but don’t get stuck in the constant loop of validation from support groups or content derived from hashtags related to the trauma. I see too many people stuck in these groups for years or just reviewing the same education surrounding personality disorders. Once you know what you’ve been through, you know. In the beginning, you need the validation of your experience. Once you have that, it’s time to go “what can I do to heal,” and get on with that work. I assure you that you are okay, didn’t ask for this, and you aren’t crazy. It most certainly happened. Now what?
If you are saying you want to improve, you’ll need to act accordingly. Read and watch things that support the new life you want. You only keep rehashing what happened to you when following personality disorders’ hashtags or joining support groups long-term. What was helpful at first can turn harmful. You will need to focus on your future by concentrating on what you want instead of what you don’t want and got.
You fear doing “Shadow Work.”
So much talk about “Shadow Work” these days. Honestly, the term makes it sound so much scarier than it is and probably puts off many from doing it. Let’s talk about what it is because while it isn’t frightening, it’s challenging work.
“Shadow Work” is an honest look at oneself and involves understanding where we are lacking in our character or actions. Yuck, right? No one likes that. If we can do that, though, we can improve ourselves and the possibilities for our lives tenfold. We do it by getting to know our emotions. So often, when we have distressing situations, we become prone to swallowing our feelings. We see our feelings as getting us in trouble with the abuser, so best not to have them. We can even get into a situation where we are no longer feeling it’s gone on so long. When we go numb, it makes us particularly vulnerable to predation because there is no one easier to manipulate than someone who doesn’t know who they are because they don’t have any strong emotion about anything.
The easiest way to do “Shadow Work” is to get in touch with those lost emotions.
If you look up the “Emotional Color Wheel” in the browser of your choice and go to “Images,” these are great tools designed to help you process any blockers to what emotions you are experiencing. I grab 3 or 4 of them because they can be different, but they all seem to start at the same primary places.
Every day write down 3 ways you felt that day and follow the wheel to reveal a deeper understanding. Were you feeling “sad?” Well, it could be that you were feeling either guilty, depressed, or even lonely. You could have felt ashamed, remorseful, inferior, empty, isolated, or abandoned. Ah! There is your “Shadow Work” in the whys! Those are some uncomfortable items to look at and about which to think. Depending on the answer, you can now process and let go of the emotion however that looks, whether it be acceptance, placing a boundary, or any other action needed.
You are afraid of what you might have to give up.
Your new life will cost you your old one. It’s a fact. You can’t hang out with negative people when you want more positivity in your life. If you want to lead a healthier lifestyle, you won’t be in the bar drinking until the last call. To live a life with more integrity, you aren’t going to hang around people who make a habit of manipulation and gossip. When you are actively healing from trauma, you make other choices than you have in the past.
I get it. This one may be harder than “Shadow Work” because you are sincerely going to build a new life at this point. Different friends, different goals, different, different, different. That can be a daunting thought. You may even have such a radical change in thinking that you gravitate towards alternative tastes in music, clothing, or anything else you like. If you have been getting the job done to upgrade your journey on this giant blue orb, you are getting back to what makes you uniquely you! So, by really being yourself, you won’t be gravitating toward the same things or people you liked before this transformation. This thought will inspire you or send you back into your cave of safety where nothing changes, so let me speak to the holed-up people for a second here.
Did doing the hard work suddenly become a deal breaker?
I want to have you think about your freedom for a minute. You won’t ever be able to be authentically yourself without going through the process. Discovering your genuine likes, needs, and wants means the possibility that some of the people or things you once participated in do not fit your future. That is entirely okay. People and activities come and go naturally in life. So, two things on which to concentrate. First, if they don’t support you, they weren’t your friends in the first place. Second, ask yourself on the daily, if necessary, “do I want to be free, or do I want to be the made-up version of me?” It’s going to get tough, it may get lonely at times, but I can promise you it’s worth it. You feel more comfortable in your own skin when you let yourself be yourself.
So, you know what’s coming, long-time readers, but I found a meme that said, “your trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.” The quote doesn’t dismiss it happened; however, that “but” can have that quality. It most certainly did happen. I’m so sorry that you went through that. I don’t want to see you experience it again. You have a right to thrive and heal from your trauma. Exercise it. You are worth it.
Are you having a tough time doing the important work of healing from past trauma? Join the discussion at our Facebook group. Details on how to join can be found at: https://www.facebook.com/thekeepmovingmission
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