I recently asked my clients and Facebook group members what they thought the most important red flags of a toxic relationship were about which they would want me to write. I was surprised at the results. Love Bombing was nowhere on the list, and that is one that content creators focus on first and foremost. I mean, if someone seems too good to be true, well, yes, they probably are, especially when it’s that quick and that attentively. I touched on Love Bombing in my blog “I Was the Narcissist’s Best Friend,” so for this one, let’s dive directly into what my clients had to say.
Someone Who Never Takes Responsibility and Plays the Victim Constantly.
This one had the most significant response regarding red flags of a toxic relationship, and I have to say, the survey participants were on target. Run for the hills if you have one of these in your life because I can assure you it will not end well.
Here’s an example. I get a phone call from my ex-bestie saying he’s about to go to jail on a $1000.00 warrant. Why is that, you ask? Well, it’s because he racked up unpaid toll charges by coming up to my house to go to band practice. Mind you; there are plenty of free highways to my house. Does it take longer? Yes. Can it be done? Also, yes. When I asked him why he didn’t pay the charges, he blamed the fact that I lived so far away and felt that he shouldn’t have to pay tolls to be in this band. We had gigs coming up, and I didn’t want him to go to jail, so I paid off the warrant.
Looking back, I should have let him have a nice cell with no view, but I digress.
Do you see what happened there? It was my fault for living where I did. The responsibility was not his for not taking free highways or paying the tolls. He could have even discussed the hardship with me early on or left the band entirely, but this is not how a dysfunctional person operates. So, he felt entitled to do what he wanted and when it got to this point, he played off of my sympathy and the “hole” I had in my life that substituted a band for the family I never had. This guy ended up costing me at least $8,000.00, so when I say the minute you see this behavior get out, I mean it.
Someone Who “Moves the Goalposts.”
I’ve had more personality-disordered managers than I haven’t over the years. If you didn’t know, I’ve spent almost 30 years in the accounting field. When I was first starting, I had a particularly abusive boss. She would yell, insult you openly, and do what we call “moving the goalposts.” This metaphor comes from the sports world, and it means to change the rules of the match, which is still in progress, but in a way where it gives one side a disadvantage over the other.
We could help other departments that were behind and offered overtime pay for our efforts. So, I would do that because this being one of my first accounting jobs and fresh out of school, I could use the money! I remember one day in particular; she had seen that I had helped out another team and screamed at me, “what are you doing?” I explained to her that I was doing what I’d been doing for weeks as she directed, we could do, and she blew up into a blinding rage, shouting, “Not this week! Stop what you are doing! You aren’t allowed to do this!” Everyone was shocked. Like, mouths opened, shocked. The supervisor had never specified a time frame or anything. The goalposts indeed moved, and I did a lot of unpaid extra work.
Someone Who Will Deny Reality Right in Front of You (“Gaslighting”).
The term “gaslighting” has its origin in a 1944 film called “Gaslight,” in which a husband tries to convince his wife she’s mentally unstable so he can steal from her. To “gaslight” someone is to try to get them to question their truth, memories, or perceptions. This is also a favorite among red flags of a toxic relationship, so let’s go back to ex-bestie because this guy must have had a degree in the subject!
There was a time when Facebook would tell you the location from where a sent message came. They eventually added a feature to turn it off and then did away with it altogether, but when it was in place, it was the source of many fights. My supposed best friend would make plans with me, or there would be a practice, and he’d back out giving some disaster (see “Someone Who Never Takes Responsibility and Plays the Victim Constantly.”). His message location, however, would tell a different story. He wasn’t at home sick, or in the hospital with his wife, or tending to his daughter after she went through something painful. Nope! He was going somewhere else. When I would confront him about it, he would say the locator was wrong or not even that sometimes. He’d say that I didn’t see what I saw.
This red flag reminds me of an Eddie Murphy routine where he would say, “who you gonna believe; me or your lying eyes.” That is gaslighting, my friends!
Someone Who Engages in “Negging.”
Has anyone ever commented on one of your social media posts that made you raise an eyebrow? Also known as a “backhanded compliment,” “negging” has become a popular tool in the narcissist toolbox. As the name suggests, it’s something said meant to negate you or bring you down a notch while veiled as a compliment or something else innocuous.
I met a plethora of damaged people over the last almost decade. One in particular, who eventually revealed a plan to “destroy” me while intoxicated, was an expert at “negging.” I posted a band photo once on Facebook. She wrote in the comments, “This is so cute! It looks like a photo from Friends (the T.V. show). Could this be any more white?”
Wait; what? Do you see what she did there? Yes, it was a cute photo but implied some exclusivity due to my/us being white. Part of her “plan” to oust me from the friend group was to paint me as a racist, and “negging” was one method she used to do that.
Someone Who Always Seems to “One Up” You.
A toxic person in a relationship has to have the spotlight. Attention can’t be on you for any reason at all. Nothing, not even if you are having a rough time in your life. No. It is not going to happen. Everything they do is better or are going through is worse, period, and they will tell you about it. It’s like there is a particular sort of “success” they want over you, and they are keeping score.
My narcissistic mother met any singing accomplishment I had in high school: “you’ll never be the singer I was. I was almost an opera star, but your grandmother wouldn’t let me do it.” That was one-upping and playing the victim there! I would never be as pretty or talented as she was, and she told it to me consistently.
I’ve said it before, and it bears repeating that if a deer hears the snap of a twig in the forest, it doesn’t wait around to assess if it’s just a bunny or a hunter. It is out of there and fast! If you come across any of these 5 red flags of a toxic relationship, my best advice is to be the deer.
Did we miss any you feel are an important red flag of a toxic relationship? Join the discussion at our Facebook group. Details on how to join can be found at: https://www.facebook.com/thekeepmovingmission
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