I Was The Narcissist’s Best Friend

I was “The Narcissist’s Best Friend,” literally and figuratively. Even after I kicked my best friend to the proverbial curb, he wasn’t the first or last person in my life to create toxicity. 

I would lament, “Why? WHY do I attract these people into my life?”

I didn’t. I just let toxic people stay too long in it.

Let’s get something straight. Personality disordered people will always be subconsciously or otherwise on the lookout for what you have that they might want. It doesn’t matter who you are. The difference between a consistently traumatized person and those who aren’t is their ability to gatekeep their lives. They will go after anyone ranging from seemingly confident individuals to those openly bleeding from their life stories, telling anyone who will listen. Whether they get to stick around or not comes down to one thing: Do they have a “chink in the armor?”

A friend was texting me about how alone she felt. Notice I didn’t say, “how alone she was” because she wasn’t. She had plenty of friends and beautiful children, even though she was no longer in a relationship with the Father of those children.

Feeling lonely, among other symptoms, is a sign of unresolved trauma and sets the stage for becoming “The Narcissist’s Best Friend.”

If you’ve been through an emotionally traumatic event, areas of your life need deep healing. Also, chances are you haven’t done the required repairs because you think time will take care of that. It doesn’t. The brain holds on to emotionally damaging events no matter how insignificant we want to believe they were. You feel that getting space between yourself and the harmful event is good enough without looking at what happened or the ravaged parts of your life.

Then it happens again. You give the same space, and then it happens a third time. Sometimes it’s the same person. Sometimes it’s different incarnations of the first person. It will always be someone with bad intentions for you. Then comes the wondering why you appeal to poisonous people.

Here are 3 key reasons that harmful people are getting a front-row seat to your life:

You Live by the “Golden Rule.”

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” does not exist in the mind of someone with a personality disorder. It is quite a shock to people recovering from Narcissistic Abuse that not everyone behaves this way. It’s not that it’s a lousy way to live. It’s an excellent way to live! We should treat others well; however, we should expect the same in return. We need to develop the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served.

The issue is when we believe that someone will change by continually pouring our love and devotion into them. Hoping that they do in kind is ill-fated. No amount of love you give anyone is going to change them. Love does not, in fact, conquer all. Change is an inside job that someone has to want to do. Expand your notion of what doing unto others means. Treat people kindly. If that kindness is not returned, treat them to the door because you want them to leave and no longer mistreat you. It’s about balance, not endless giving until depletion.

You believe in second chances.

I just read that sub-headline to myself and went “ooof.” My narcissist ex-best friend said, “I’ve gotten older and wiser.” As I mentioned previously, this was not the first time he appeared and subsequently left my life. I believed that people grew up and changed, and I was always willing to give them second chances. Then I tried to change myself and heal from the trauma served up and a silver platter for dinner most of my life and realized this critical thing: Change is hard, and most people don’t want to do it.

I had a friend who had been through many abusive relationships say that she didn’t want to heal because looking at her own behavior would be too hard. I’ve heard that a few times from friends now that I think about it. These are people on the traumatized side! Imagine how much change is not happening on the side of those committing abuse? Slim to none. I’m not saying that people don’t “grow up” and mature, but if someone has been mistreating you severely, chances are no, they have not changed. Fool me once; shame on me. Fool me twice; still, shame on me because I should have learned the first time. Look, a deer in the forest doesn’t stick around and try to figure out if that snap in the brush they heard was a friend or foe. They get the hell out of there.

You have a hole in your life.

I saved this for last because it’s so all-encompassing. These are the things you would find if you did take time to look at the emotional needs lacking in your life. For me? My hole was I did not have a family. I grew up in a den of narcissism. Emotional abusive Mother. Neglectful Father. A brother who was officially diagnosed with many mental health conditions from the time he was a toddler. My life was threatened on numerous occasions by my Mother and Brother. At the same time, my Father always stood idly by, doing nothing as he didn’t want to give up a carefree life.

The “hole” that trauma created in my life was that I desperately wanted that safe place to call “home” and subconsciously tried to find it in friendships repeatedly. A feeling of belonging was missing. I wanted to believe that I wasn’t the “throwaway” I thought I was my entire life and be truly loved…

I am surprised I didn’t join a cult…

The amount of exploitation I’ve suffered at the hands of those I’ve labeled “best friends” over the years is staggering. This is why I’m saying deal with how you may have been affected by trauma number 1, so it doesn’t turn into trauma 2, trauma 3, etc. Space from the event is not enough. There is a pattern you will repeat.

Here is a short list of “holes” that appeal to those persons wanting to harm you: Self-esteem issues, lack of boundaries, naivety, and loneliness. The following is an example of how a destructive personality can enter your life using these entry points.

Love bombing is most commonly used to gauge the worthiness of becoming “The Narcissist’s Best Friend.”

One of the most giant “red flags” of a person with ill-intent is “love bombing.” Take someone new in your life or with whom you’ve established a novel relationship, i.e., started dating. Soon after being around you, are they giving you excessive compliments? Do they want to spend all their time with you, constantly giving you gifts or texting excessively? Do they call you “the love of your life?”

To someone with low self-worth, the flowery, kind words feel like a warm bath that envelops and soothes you. When you are lonely, that continual companionship has you feeling like you found that missing puzzle piece – your partner in crime, if you will. Suppose you are the kind who trusts easily and with abandon. In that case, it’s easy to mistake all of this manufactured affection for the real deal. 

When you see it for what it is, when that “mask” slips when they show you who they are, the inability to say “no” and stand up for yourself will keep them there. This person will stay day after day, causing more destruction while you try to send more love down that gaping hole of a being. You see, they have also been traumatized and are unhealed. The difference here is they are trying to drown you in a deep bottomless well, while you just wanted to fill a space to make a solid foundation. 

So do the work.

I saw a meme – if you’ve been following me for any time, you know this is a “thing” – that said, “Do no harm but take no shit.” You can be the warm, loving person you have always been, but you can do that without being the Narcissist’s best friend. Be your own best friend. Find and fill those holes with the affection you’ve been giving everyone else. Build that sturdy base you wanted within you. Anyone else becomes an added value to your life and not its totality.

Heal. Don’t become “The Narcissist’s Best Friend.” I promise you it’s worth it.

_{Are you the “Narcissist’s Best Friend?” Join the discussion at our Facebook group. Details on how to join can be found at: https://www.facebook.com/thekeepmovingmission}