I saw a meme once that said, “you can’t heal in the same environment where you got sick.” I get that. If your body is sick, you may need to see a doctor. You may need to exercise more or eat better, even take medication, but you can’t stay how you were. In relation, if you feel the people you surround yourself with are manipulative, gossipy, bitter, unsafe, envious, and belittling, how will you ever be the best you that you were meant to be? It’s nearly impossible. There is very little true light in that kind of darkness.
When a friend tells us they are an alcoholic, we make accommodations if we want to keep them in our lives. We don’t expect them to go out with us to a bar. Frequently, we will keep our drinking to a minimum around them or at least ask what they are comfortable with. We may even choose to go places that don’t serve alcohol to hang out with them.
Accepting a situation where someone moves on from a group of which we are a part to facilitate their mental health or growth is more challenging. We may argue our case for staying, possibly even trying to convince them it’s not as bad as they think. We may even gossip about them, making up scenarios about why they don’t come around anymore. Never reaching out to see how they are becomes the norm. I mean, they were part of our everyday lives. They meant something to us, yes? Even if so, we shy away from the conversations that could help them stay connected to us and feel supported.
Why is there a difference?
In the first scenario, we don’t feel an inherent “judgment call” with alcohol being the issue. It’s the alcohol, not us, being why someone can’t be around us under the same circumstances. We then figure out how to have this person remain in your life by doing things that won’t trigger their disease. However, when the reason for keeping a distance is directly related to being in our lives, the immediate reaction is to defend how we are living. Their point of view is dismissed, and we argue that they don’t see things correctly. We frequently stop communicating with them because we need to feel like we are “okay” and preserve the world in which we are currently living. We don’t dare ask questions because we are more afraid of the answers than losing them.
If what they experienced is true, if what they are saying is correct, that means we have to look at our own behavior and associations as those comfortable blinders on life become suddenly ripped away. If you aren’t forced to do it, why would you want to do that? Everything is good. Until it isn’t. Until it wasn’t for the person taking a step back, and it’s scary to find out why that might be because that means an end to your universe where everything seems “fine.”
So what happened?
Being emotionally abused throughout my life left me a people-pleasing shell of a human being. However, I don’t believe in a concept called the “codependent halo.” The thinking that I have nothing to do but leave a relationship where exploitation was happening and I did not suffer any damage is flawed. If you don’t heal from your past, you are doomed to repeat it. You will take the dysfunctional coping mechanisms developed to help get you through trauma from place to place and person to person. You may not see it, you may be saying “whatever” to me right now, but you do.
The depression, anxiety, seeing yourself as not good enough or loveable, short-term memory loss, or mood swings don’t magically disappear. You find it hard to adequately regulate your emotions, resulting in a constant need for attention and validation from those around you. You let people into your sphere of influence who also operate the same way and let them stay because it’s familiar and comfortable. Your everyday experiences aren’t as profoundly satisfying as they live within that approval from others and not yourself. You consistently look for those extreme highs to momentarily forget about your life.
But it wasn’t my fault!
Wait…it sounds a little like having an addiction. Recovery from emotional abuse can be very much like recovery from substance abuse, and both depend upon taking long, arduous looks at ourselves and our behavior.
Let me make something clear. Being abused is never the victim’s fault. Healing from that abuse, however, is their responsibility. I didn’t understand that until a few years into narcissistic abuse recovery. “Why should I change? I didn’t cause this!”
True. Valid even.
The lingering effects of maltreatment had me choosing situations compatible with what plane I was existing on. Instead of masking my pain with settings that authenticated a belief that I was just fine, I wasn’t elevating my life. Resolving any afflictions I carried with me was not encouraged, and I was celebrated for having them.
Then one day, being “beautifully broken” and steeped in delusion wasn’t acceptable. Nothing was fine. I recognized that my real life had gotten worse as I had hit the “rock bottom” that many alcoholics experience before they get help. My behavior and the list of things I was going along with by proxy started making me sick. I had decisions to make…
…because you see, I am your “friend.” I’m the one that had to leave.
I can explain.
Let me put your mind at ease. I’m not asking anyone else to change. You’re good; this is about what I need. I want you to know that it’s not you; it’s me.
It’s difficult for me to stay connected to a place where I saw and experienced people trying to destroy each other due to jealousy and self-preservation. I thrive in spaces where decisions to change course and do something good for you aren’t met with invalidation. My goals should not be met by hurled expletives, accusations of failing the collective, or plots for my professional demise.
It’s not you; it’s me.
Being sexually harassed or assaulted at and after gatherings shouldn’t be acceptable. I can no longer be attached to situations where abusers are allowed to stay within a group, even celebrated. Victims would feel free to come forward and not be met with “boys will be boys” or “things will never change.” I don’t want to be fearful that someone who has abused me in any way would be allowed to stay around because “they said they were sorry; good enough.”
It’s not you; it’s me.
I enjoy close, solid friendships and people committed to growing who applaud individuality in life. There is no longer a capacity in my life for people to tell me who I “should” be or what I “should” do. I require people in my life who are willing to abide by my boundaries. They would understand there may be a reason for the limits and rules I set for myself and won’t be offended. I want relationships, not “manipulationships.”
It’s not you; it’s me.
I need solutions-oriented conversations where others don’t make up a narrative about my actions. Relationships are solid when they want to hear what happened and aren’t scared of the shadow it may cast upon them. Talking behind my back about the motives for doing things in my best interest without even asking me shouldn’t be an option…
Wait…
Now you know.
If you read anything above without knowing names and events, you should still have enough understanding of why you can’t heal in the same environment that got you sick. There are certain things that I can’t tolerate anymore because my compliance is acceptance, and I don’t…accept.
I saw another meme once that said. “You are the average of the people you spend the most time with.” So, you know, it’s not you; it’s me…
I had to take you out of the equation.
Did you ever have to leave a relationship or friend group to heal? Join the discussion at our Facebook group. Details on how to join can be found at: https://www.facebook.com/thekeepmovingmission
No responses yet