“He’s been gone for two months. Let it go.”
I could immediately feel the heat rising into my face. I tried so hard not to unleash every bit of the pain I had been feeling on the “well-meaning” person who said those words to me. Their comments were so invalidating. I was still in the middle of processing my feelings about the “gone” person. They also included some of the people surrounding the situation. Those emotions were still big and raw when this “friend” comes along and says to just “let it go.” Luckily, I had found my voice at this point in my healing journey and let them quickly know why that phrase was so damaging in this situation. Still, so many are not at that point. Most would smile, nod, and stuff those potentially poisonous views way down somewhere until the cavern is packed and ready to explode or implode, depending on the circumstances.Not fully processing your feelings because someone else has a different timetable for when you should be okay is terrible for your mental health down the road. Additionally, someone you thought had your best interests in mind served you a dose of what is called “toxic positivity.”
At this point is where people would say, “but how is being positive potentially toxic?” I’m glad you asked. There is nothing wrong with having a good attitude, believing in living your life with intention and purpose, and doing what you can to be the best you can be. Yes, please, more of that for everyone! The problem comes when someone tells us about their pain. We dismiss it with a dose of that “buck up, little camper,” thinking that we are helping the situation by not getting down into the quagmire with them. However, this does nothing to help pull them up and everything to keep them drowning. Feeling shamed, they are less likely to share and work through their problems. They are not heard, not seen, and fall away into depression over an issue compounded with the feeling that “no one cares.”
Why do we try to bat away problems as if they can be easily carried away on the wind? Most times, we feel helpless and unequipped to deal with the weight of the dilemma. We may lack the emotional capabilities we need to help because of what we’ve been through and think everyone should carry on as we did. Whatever the reason, we can learn to be of better service to those we care about, and it all comes down to knowing how to validate a person’s feelings.
You don’t have to fix the problem. You only have to be present.
Below are some examples of how to turn toxic positivity into authentic and genuine awareness of another person’s discomfort:
Instead of telling someone “you’ll get over it,” let them know that “this is hard. You’ve done hard things before, and I believe in you.”
Advising someone to “never give up” can lock someone into something that maybe they don’t want to do. Let the person know that “sometimes giving up is okay. What is your ideal outcome?” This way, they can think of what they can or want to do.
We may want everyone to “just be positive,” however it’s good to acknowledge that “there’s a lot that could go wrong” and ask, “what could go right?”
There is so much shame attached to “failure is not an option,” even if we think that’s encouraging achievement. Let’s not forget that our best and brightest failed often and that “failure is a part of growth.”
Sure, we want to always “look on the bright side,” but we want our loved ones to know that “it can be hard to see the good. We’ll make sense of it together.”
“Just get over it” is the easiest way to alienate someone. Help them understand that “we experience bad things sometimes,” and then ask, “how can I support you right now?”
These are just a few examples that show validation and saving space for those around us is not only so essential for them but much easier for us than we imagined. It’s really about showing you understand, then letting them work it out beside you.
There is nothing to be scared of and everything to gain.
Oh, and as far as all those in favor of “good vibes only?” Let’s welcome all vibes. They have so much to tell us about how we feel and what to do next. Let them all into your space with your newly found appreciation for recognizing another’s experience and understand that being there is good enough.
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