The Good the Bad and the Ugly.

About a decade or so ago, when on a quest to “find my purpose” in life, I found myself being a dog trainer and behaviorist. I genuinely envy dogs because their lives are so simple. They don’t have any real cognitive thought, honestly. They know what’s kind to them and what’s harmful to them. They’ll run to what they feel is “good” and run away from what they think is “bad,” and that’s how they operate.

This concept of “good” and “bad” is also an important thing to remember when training your dog to “come,” but I digress. Anyway, I wish it were that simple for humans.

But then again…maybe it is?

When we know what to say “yes” to in our lives, saying “no,” or having a boundary, is easy. The problem is figuring out just what the “yes” and the “no” is. That’s where “does it feel healthy and happy,” or the “good,” and “does it feel problematic and cause anxiety,” the “bad,” come in. Setting boundaries and keeping them also comes with an “ugly,” but we’ll get to that in a few minutes.

The Good

Here is where we itemize that to which we want to say “yes.” These things can be circumstances that feel right to you in your soul. They are actions that don’t hurt your feelings or the feelings of others. They can also encompass the physical well-being of yourself or others. How would you determine that other than “well, that just feels good?”

The things you say “yes” to, should be tied to your core values. It’s helpful when formulating boundaries to sit down with an extensive list of core values and start choosing what means something to you. Determining your values is where the “feels right to you in your soul” comes in. Google “list of core values.” You can choose a PDF or article, but at least start with a list of 100. Pair them down to 50, then 30, then 20, then 10. You could go down to a little as three because guaranteed, they will be broad enough to encompass how you feel in most cases but may be better to cast a wider net with 5 to 10 when engaging in the first time, stable boundary setting.

Sit down with your paired down list of core values. For each one, start writing down your boundaries. You are looking at what you’ll say “yes” to first to make these boundary statements from what you do want. We often focus on what we don’t want first because, honestly, that be can easier. If you are a first-time real boundary setter, you may have never thought about what you specifically want in life. The “don’t wants” will come easy, so for now, really explore what you need to feel happy, healthy, and emotionally safe in your life.

For example, if one of your values is “honesty,” a boundary might be “I require there be no secrets between me and my significant other.” Other ones could be “I need to have open communication on interpersonal issues,” or even “The use of money or other resources needs to be transparent between myself and my partner.” These statements can also include what types of activities in which you’ll engage. A boundary along these lines could be “I will only support organizations that are transparent with their information” or “I’ll only participate in groups where everyone involved is committed to bringing up issues as they happen and solution-focused conversations to solve them.” Continue for each value until you have compiled a reasonable amount of list of things you’ll say “yes” to which would be at least two or three things for each value.

If you’ve made it this far and haven’t crumpled up your piece of paper flatly stating, “I’m out,” welcome to the simple part!

The Bad

Conversely, things you’ll say “no” to don’t feel right, hurt your feelings, or others’ feelings or physically hurt you or others.

Using the same example of the core value of “honesty” above, you may have already realized that you’d say “no” to relationships with people who lie to you, talk behind your back, and cheat you out of money or another valuable resource. You also wouldn’t participate in activities that hid essential information or were more committed to gossip than problem-solving.

See? Easy! Wait, though — it’s about to get hard again.

Formulating what you will say “no” to is also where you will develop what your “deal breakers” are for crossed boundaries, and that could get ugly.

The Ugly

When setting boundaries, it’s nearly impossible not to make someone else mad on occasion. If most of the people in your life are problematic, it’s a sure bet. Be noticeably clear why you are setting a boundary and the consequences, i.e., your “deal breakers,” for stepping over the line of that boundary. Unfortunately, doing this step is the only way that, first, you’ll be able to cultivate respect for your limits, and second, you’ll be able to weed out the people that are or are not clearly in a relationship with you for you.

Maybe that last part isn’t so unfortunate. It’s a win overall. However, it can be unpleasant. Necessary, but decidedly frequently ugly.

Setting them, once you got past all the value identification, was simple. Anyone can make a list. Sticking to your newly formed boundaries is the hard part. This point is where it’s crucial to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. There are times this absolutely will not be easy, and you’ll want to cave in. You will need to remember that it’s not immoral or illegal to say no to something unless you are bound by a moral ethic to do said thing. It’s not your responsibility to keep people from being upset about the lines you have drawn for yourself. It is your responsibility to communicate to people how to correctly treat you so you can be, repeat it with me, happy, healthy, and emotionally safe.” Believing this is the biggest thing you can do to value yourself, which means loving yourself.

Don’t overexplain when you say “no.” Only you have the right to decide what is best for you. No one else has the right to determine that. Really. No one. Read that over again if necessary. It does not matter what someone else wants. If it doesn’t feel right to you, it doesn’t. Doing what’s ultimately good for you, by the way, is the first step in self-validating, with which many people recovering from toxic relationships have a challenging time. You can feel the way you want to. Don’t consider someone else’s opinion of what your boundary should or should not be. Your limits may change and evolve later, but this is unequivocally a case of “you do you.” Your feelings are what matters in this situation. Being committed to having peace in your life is how you do it.

The facility where we board our dog told me something about her that made such a significant impression. They said that they put her in groups with dogs that have what they would consider more rough play styles. My dog has this insane ability to ignore these dogs until they calm down and can play appropriately.

My dog has boundaries. Even better is my dog’s firm boundaries also affect other dogs to act with respect. My dog is not worried about saying “no” and knows what her “yes” is with no doubt.

Isn’t that amazing? We can learn so much from our dogs. Maybe we should follow their lead.